


The Heart of the Matter

by RealDaveofDaves



Series: The Maze of Moments - A Clay and Justin Story [4]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Depression, Inner Dialogue, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Running
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 21:39:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15715587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealDaveofDaves/pseuds/RealDaveofDaves
Summary: In which Clay goes on a run and has a conversation with...himself. And he comes to a realization.





	The Heart of the Matter

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for references to events in Season Two, specifically the attempted school shooting.
> 
> Events in this story take place, for context, a few days after "The Little Black Dog."

_I've been trying to get down_  
_To the heart of the matter_  
_But my will gets weak_  
_And my thoughts seem to scatter_  
_But I think it's about forgiveness_  
_Forgiveness_

\- from "The Heart of the Matter," by Don Henley

"Hi, mom."

Justin walked into the kitchen after coming home from school, having been dropped off by Zach, finding Lainie sitting at the table and typing away at her laptop. It had been one of those rare days where she was able to leave the office early and finish up a few things at home instead. "Hi honey," she smiled at her adopted younger son as he kissed her cheek. "How was class?"

"Fine," he replied, going to the refrigerator and pulling out a bottle of water. Like Sheri, he was taking summer school in order to make up for time lost while in juvenile detention. "I'll need to work on a paper tonight after dinner, but it's not due for another couple of days, so I've got plenty of time. What do you know about the Harlem Renaissance?"

"Ahhh...not much....other than Langston Hughes," she said, looking up from the keyboard. "Your brother should be able to help."

Justin twisted off the bottle cap and took a swig of the water. "Yeah, I'll talk to him about it after we run this evening."

"Oh, he already left to go on a run. Right after I came home."

"He.....did? Really?"

"Yes, right about," Lainie looked at her watch, "maybe half an hour ago?"

"Oh," Justin said sadly before taking another drink.

"Honey?"

"It's just...we always run together is all."

Lainie nodded and pulled out the chair next to her, indicating to Justin that he should sit, which he did. "Justin. I think Clay needed some time to himself this afternoon. It's only fair, you two have been pretty much attached at the hip since even before the adoption. Plus, he's still working through a lot of things."

"No, I know. I just...like, worry about him and stuff is all." He paused for a moment and sighed. "I just want him to get better."

"Honey, he is getting better, but it takes time. You know he has a lot more good days than bad." She put her hand on top of Justin's reassuringly. "And, hey...you're a _big_ part of the reason why he does. He really loves you, you know that don't you? He's very fortunate you're here now."

Justin nodded and took another drink. "Yeah...I know...and I love him, too." He sighed before continuing. "Well...I guess I can go run by myself later, or go to the gym."

Lanie thought for a moment, and came up with a suggestion, seeing as how she could see that he was a still a touch sad.

"You know, if I were in your shoes," Lainie resumed her email while talking, "I'd go on a run now. And if I just happened to catch up to my brother someplace....well, that would be a coincidence, now, wouldn't it?"

Justin quickly pushed back the chair and kissed Lainie again. "You're the best, mom! Love you!"

 

**********

 

Clay had started by running through the streets of his neighborhood, then crossed Main Street over towards Lincoln Boulevard.

 

**********

 

_So. You're running over there? Really?_

I wondered when you were going to show up. Hi.

_Hi, yourself. But for real...you're going to run there? Why?_

No reason.

_Clay._

What?

_I know you..._

Well I'd hope so. You're my brain.

_Psyche._

Same difference.

_Anyway, as I was saying. You never do anything without a reason._

Maybe. Not always.

_You're blaming yourself again, aren't you?_

No, I'm not.

_You sure?_

....no.

_Now you know that it wasn't your fault._

Really? It wasn't? So I didn't send a picture to everyone at the school?

_Yeah....okay, so that was a dick move for sure. But you apologized._

Twice.

_All right then. See?_

Still doesn't mean I can't feel guilty about it.

_Well....no. But...._

But what?

_Clay. You couldn't have known what he was going to try and do. And even if you had...the reasons why definitely weren't your fault. You've got to learn to forgive yourself.  
_

Whatever.

_Did you beat Tyler up in the bathroom?_

No.

_Did you..._

Don't. Don't even say it. I don't want to think about that.

_Okay, I won't. But you didn't do that either._

Still doesn't mean I can't feel bad.

_No...but you went and talked to him already. Remember? I do. And he said that..._

I know what he said. I was there. Now shut up and let me run.

 

**********

 

Clay paused to catch his breath outside of Tyler Down's home. He wasn't there, of course, having been confined to a hospital for treatment ever since he attempted mass murder back in April. That was three months ago, now, and Clay had gone to visit him once to get a sense of closure, and hoping to feel better somehow afterwards.

He didn't. If anything, he felt worse.

He and Tyler were able to speak at length about what had almost happened, and he had apologized for sending that picture around in a mass text. And true, Tyler had forgiven him for that, but it was when he revealed that if given the opportunity, and had Clay not been there to stop him a second time, he would almost certainly go ahead and try again.

"They deserve it, Clay," Tyler had told them. "They all do. It's the only way to stop it. It's like a forest fire, you know? You sometimes need a controlled burn, that's all."

Tyler was still struggling. That was clear.

And on the drive home, all Clay could think of was a roll call of names in the paper or on the local news _if_ Tyler had that second opportunity: Justin, Sheri, Zach, Alex, Cyrus, Jess, Courtney, Ryan...

He cried on that drive home.

And he was crying a little now.

 

**********

 

_You really shouldn't beat yourself up like this._

Stop. Just stop.

_Clay. There's nothing you could do past what you did._

I couldn't fix it. I couldn't stop it.

_No, you couldn't._

I...couldn't save him.

_No. But you saved a hell of a lot of other people that night. People you love and care about. That's got to count for something, right?_

I...

_Yes?_

Yeah. You're right.

_Of course I am._

Oh, shut up. I've told you I hate when you do that.

_I know, but...oh, and we're running again, okay..._

 

**********

 

Running down Lincoln to Tanglewood Road, Clay ran back up to Main Street and turned left. Once he reached Blue Spot Liquor, he turned right and made his way over to South Forest Drive, towards the theater.

 

**********

 

_Going to see what's playing this weekend?_

Maybe.

_The new Jurassic World opens up. You should take Sheri._

I think I will.

_It's supposed to be a little scary._

And?

_Nothing, just saying. She'll probably want to hold your hand through the whole thing._

She does that anyway.

_Well, okay. But maybe she'll hold it tighter or something._

Shut up.

_Man. You're really in a mood again today, huh?_

No.

_....._

Kinda.

_Just kinda?_

I mean, I feel okay. Sort of. It's just....

_What?_

I want to get better faster.

_I want you to also. Believe me, I REALLY want you to._

Ha.

_Hey, you think this is easy on me? Us? Whatever? Like, I've got to compartmentalize everything and remember everything and all that. Let's see you try this sometime._

Sorry.

_It's okay. Just remember....you hurt, I hurt._

Got it. So. Jurassic World?

_HELL yes!_

It could be a fun night!

_Maybe take Justin and Jess also._

.......

_Hello?_

......

_Or not..?_

Do I have to do _everything_ with Justin?

_Well, no._

Okay then.

_You're not mad at him, too, are you?_

I'm not mad at anyone....

_Really?_

I'm not!

_Okay._

I'm really not!

_Yeah, okay._

What?

_You mean to tell me you're not the least little bit mad at Jeff? Hannah? Alex? Bryce? Monty?_

That's....they're all...that's different.

_I mean, I'm with you on Bryce and Monty. They're just assholes._

True.

_But Jeff and Hannah? For doing what they did? Or Alex, for what he tried to do? And let's not forget Skye...annnnnd we're running again...._

 

**********

 

Eisenhower Park was deceptively big. If one looked at it on a map, it appeared to be just a little corner park, but the reality was it stretched on back, far off of what a map could show. It had a couple of softball fields and a running trail through the trees, and this is where Clay found himself next. It was a favorite spot to run in town.

 

**********

 

I'm not mad at Justin.

_Wow...you spoke to me first this time!_

Whatever. Anyway. I'm not.

_Okay._

I'm not!

_I believe you. So you're not mad. Jealous, maybe?_

Jealous. Of Justin.

_Sure. He's got that smile...ahhh, that damn smile...he's super athletic, and now he's the baby of the family._

But....I'm not jealous of that. I'm really not. He deserves a stable, loving family. And I helped give him one. And why are we paying attention to his smile??

_I mean...have you SEEN that smile?_

Shut up.

_Okay, okay. Fine, so you're not jealous. But..._

But what?

_You know he had a role in a lot. In here I mean. With Hannah. Bryce. The heroin.  
_

No....no, I...I know.

_And it doesn't bother you?_

Of course it does.

_And?_

And....what?

_Have you ever forgiven him?_

Oh.

_Yeah._

I mean....I don't hate him or anything...

_I know you don't..._

...and he's officially my brother now, and I love the shithead...

_...so do I..._

....but. I never did forgive him. Did I?

_Nope._

Huh.

_Maybe that's part of what's bothering you these days._

I mean....maybe? You think?

_I'm the psyche, remember?_

Yeah. Okay. But like...we talked and all that.

_You did. I was there._

And he apologized.

_And you accepted._

Okay then. That's that.

_Uh huh._

Oh, come on!

_Did you actually say you forgave him?_

....no.

_Maybe you should._

And....that's it? I'll be cured?

_Sure, Clay. We'll be cured. If I had eyes I'd be rolling them so hard right now..._

That's....weird.

_Little bit. Okay, so look...I think you need to do that as a STEP in all of this._

Huh. So, like...this has been bugging me this whole time, deep down...and I never realized it until now?

_And they wonder why you're in the National Honor Society. Nicely done._

So...how come I didn't realize this with Keyworth?

_Probably because there's some things you need to figure out on your own. This is one of them._

Think it'll help? Like, in the long run?

_Clay...if you want to forgive yourself, you need to learn how to forgive others also._

Yeah....okay. That makes a lot of sense!

_It's what you pay me for._

I...pay you?

_You eat and sleep, right?  Oh hey, look....speak of the devil...._

 

_**********_

 

Justin caught up to Clay, quite sweaty and out of breath.

"Hey....hey bro....I...oh, holy shit....man, you're faster.....lemme catch my breath...." he said, bending over and putting his hands on his knees.

Clay had stopped as well, and now the two of them were walking on the trail, Justin with his hands on top of his head.

"You gonna make it?" Clay asked with a little laugh.

Justin nodded. "I hope so...I mean, we have to run in basketball, but Jesus...I swear if you don't go out for cross in the fall....I caught up to you on the trail, but you were way ahead of me."

"Did...you start to follow me or something?"

"Uhhh...no?"

Shaking his head and laughing again, Clay started to jog.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Justin muttered as he did the same.

Together they went at a much slower pace, until they had come out and back into the main area of the park and towards the water fountains. "So...I needed to clear my head a little today, which is why I went without you," Clay explained as Justin was drinking.

"Yeah?" Justin raised up, wiping his mouth with his arm. "What about?"

"Just....stuff is all."

"You feeling okay?"

"Yeah...mostly. I guess something was bothering me today is all."

"Yeah? What?"

Clay bent and took a long drink, and once he had, he nudged his head towards a bench so they could sit down.

"I...guess I never said something. To you."

"Okay. What?"

"So...like, I know we've talked, a lot, about last year. Everything that went on...and....stuff, you did."

"Oh," Justin said quietly.

"Yeah."

"Clay...I..."

"No, let me finish. I forgot to do something....after you said you were sorry."

"What's that?"

"I...forgive you, Justin. Like....okay, I know you didn't mean to do anything with the picture of Hannah, that was Bryce, but I blamed you at the time. And you beat yourself up enough with Jess...and the heroin, I get it, that was a way to cope with...everything. All the shit you were going through."

Justin nodded and looked down at the sidewalk.

"Hey," Clay put a hand on the sweaty shirt of his brother, "I'm not trying to beat you up or anything, I just need to say all that for...context."

Justin nodded again. "I, like...apologized for all that," he said quietly. "I wish I could change all that...I....you're not mad at me, still, are you?"

"No...Justin, I know you would go back if you could. I'm not mad at you anymore for any of that, I'm really not! I promise that I'm not. And hey...I'm _so_ proud of you, and how far you've come, you know? This isn't about you...it's about me. I need to say it. I forgive you, Justin. And I love you. Very much"

"I...always wanted to hear that. From you. That was super important to me. You know?" Justin turned his head and lifted it some, looking at Clay. "Like...I wanted to know you did, and I guessed you had! But...you never really said it, and I dunno...I guess it bothered me. But...hey. Thanks, Clay. I love you too, you know that."

"I do. And I'm sorry I just didn't say it sooner....that's all on me."

Justin sat back, and together they spent some time on the bench in silence.

"You sure you're okay though?" Justin asked finally.

"Well.....no. I'm not. And that's okay! It's not one of _those_ days, I promise. But I'm trying to get better, I really am. For me, for Sheri...for you. All of our Gang. Mom and dad."

"I know you are. So I did some thinking also...while trying to catch up to you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I gotta be more patient. With you. You know? Like...I just want to," he snapped his fingers, "and it's all better. And I can't do that. So...you take as much time as you need, and I'll be there to have your back. Cool?"

"Yeah...yeah, cool. Thanks, bro." The brothers fist-bumped.

"Come on," Clay said as he got up. "We can jog back."

Justin groaned, but got up all the same. "Y'know...we need to alternate days or something with the gym. This kinda isn't fair! You're so good now."

"Is baby Jensen jealous?" Clay grinned as he started to jog away.

"Oh, you do _not_ call me 'baby Jensen!' "Justin protested as he jogged alongside.

"How about JJ?"

"JJ?"

"For Justin Jensen?"

"Huh. Better. Yeah, okay....I kinda like it. Dumbass."

"Shut up, shithead. No running until our street and then the sprint. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Oh...and we're totally gonna see Jurassic World this weekend. Ask Jess."

"Okay, yeah! Isn't it supposed to be a little scary?"

Clay just nodded and grinned.

 

**********

 

_There. See?_

Yeah, yeah. You were right.

_What was I right about this time?_

That I needed to forgive Justin to help me forgive myself. And it was a step I had to take so I could fully heal.

_Atta boy._

This is....weird, right?

_What is?_

Us...talking to each other.

_Nah._

Really?

_Yep. Hey, at least you're not talking out loud to yourself, think of it that way._

True. If I did, people would think I was _really_ crazy.

_Indeed. Hell, they might think you'd need therapy or something!_

Shut up. You tell jokes now, too?

_Seems that way._

Be nice to me.

_You be nice to me! What're we gonna eat when we get home, I'm hungry.  
_

I think we have some leftover pasta from last night.

_Ooohhh! With the little meatballs! Yes, please!_

Okay, deal. Oh. And hey.

_Yes?_

Thanks, Clay.

_You're welcome, Clay._

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there Mazers! I hope you enjoyed this one! So this is the third part of a grouping of stories that began back with "Demons," and details Clay's recovery and his PTSD. They've been very well received, and my hope is this one is well. 
> 
> Truth be told, I'll probably keep doing these every so often, as I do enjoy them also. There's some fuzzy in this one with a touch of angst, so hopefully I covered all the bases.
> 
> And I kinda LOVE writing Clay "talking" to his brain...so expect more of that!
> 
> Anyway, thank you as always for your kudos, comments, and feedback. Don't forget to hit the subscribe button somewhere up there, and stay tuned...Clay and Justin will return in the next chapter of "A Maze of Moments Book One," coming soon! See you over there!


End file.
